A Hope Deferred...

Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Sorry for the silence lately. I have hit a rut. This has been a discouraging week for me. It started when I found out I was denied for unemployment, though my husband had been budgeting without that money it really brought me down. I think it was so discouraging because it made me feel like I was no longer contributing to our household. I have also only had one phone interview for a job i probably wouldn't even like & was out of my field. No other call backs or offers. I frankly began to feel like a total loser!

I have found myself watching more TV, spending less time with God, getting dressed later & later, slacking on getting stuff done around the house, not caring as much about what I eat & the poor workout room must have abandonment issues! In a word, my heart is sick!

Then I had a revelation as I was looking at the pseudo portfolio of my desktop publishing work. Instead of abandoning my dream because it seems unlikely or difficult I should expand it! I love planning events & I love creating publications. I have recently been into websites & social media. In other words, Marketing! Most event planners are in the marketing department, so if I expand my search to all marketing, that increases my chances of getting a job. So with my lack of solid experience or specific education I thought I should go for my MBA with an emphasis is Marketing!

I was really excited about the prospect until reality crushed it like a bug. My glimmer of hope was deferred again as I realized we cannot afford for me to go back to school & I am not taking out any more student loans. I have too many as it is! The only viable option is to get a job at the university or college & let them pay for it!

Therefore, my plan is to apply for any marketing jobs and any university or college jobs. It will be a means to an end and I can do that!

This is the famous Burr Oak & is also the place Steven proposed!

10 lbs Down, Feels like 10,000

100 lbs of fat!

I have hit the 10lbs down mark!  This is only the first leg of my journey, but I'm proud of my progress!  As you know, I lost my job 2 weeks ago.  So, I have been a housewife for almost 2 weeks & I love it!  I never thought I would say that!!  It has been the best thing for my relationship with God, for my marriage, my health, my life in general.  My house is so clean, our life is less stressful, more organized & we are both so happy.  We are even saving money by spending more time grocery shopping, looking for what is on sale, making almost everything from scratch  & eating at home instead of eating out.  It's amazing what happens when you surrender to God & give Him the control!

I am still looking for a job, but it is such a burden lifted off my shoulders to not feel like I have to take any job that will have me.  I can take my time & not have a knee-jerk reaction.  I can choose one that will work well with our lifestyle & is truly a good fit for our little family.  I also have time to research & make sure the company culture & practices are a good fit.  I am working hard to take time to listen to God & not take control (so hard).

We have not fully decided our long term plans, but I do know no matter what God's plan is-we will make it through!  His plans have always proven to be WAY better than mine!  He is the ultimate planner!!  One of my favorite books of the Bible is Job, I particularly like chapters 40 & 41, where God really lets Job have it!  I need that reminder often.  But, I also like the beginning of 42 where Job begins his response to God with "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."  Something I need to remember...

Starting Again

I love being a Special Events Coordinator!  It's my passion & what I feel I'm really called to do.  It's something I excel at.  Last year I was afforded the opportunity to do that full-time & the icing on the cake was doing it in the non-profit world.  My dream job!

That ended last Friday when I was "let go".  I was confused, crushed, heartbroken & felt like a total failure.  Through wonderful friends (you know who you are) & my husband I realize I'm not a total failure & while I may never really understand why this happened, I have the tools to pick myself up & start again.  Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  That scripture was very hard to remember over the weekend as I cried & cried, ate pizza & ice cream & did not want to do anything productive, let alone work out.  I felt like God had given me a dream then snatched it away.  Remembering one of my favorite scriptures has helped a lot.  Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Over the weekend, my husband asked me if I thought it was ironic that I started a blog about growing spiritually then I lose my job.  I really thought about that & I figure that God knows what I need & always has my best interest at heart.  I don't know what this all means yet (in fact, I may never know), but I do know God is in control & that has to be enough.

So, Monday morning I put my big girl pants on.  I spent quality time with God in prayer & reading the word.  I worked out & began the plan for Starting Again.

The Outside Reflects the Inside

I believe that our bodies reflect what is going on on the inside.  Those that know me know that I have no "Poker Face", meaning whatever I am thinking is clearly displayed on my face.  Be it joy, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, hope...  You get the picture!  I can very rarely "fake it", so it's important for me to keep my frustration, annoyance, etc in check!  By not doing that, I have hurt a lot of people's feelings!

The rest of our bodies can also display what's going on in our hearts.  Do we lack discipline to eat a healthy diet?  Do we lack self-control to eat enough and not stuff ourselves?  Are we too lazy to work out?  Do we lack gratitude and, therefore do not take care of our health?  Unfortunately, these have been a resounding "YES" for me.  This has resulted in me gaining about 40 pounds.  I am only 5' tall, so that is a lot of extra weight to be dragging around. 

I have started another "Biggest Loser" competition at work, my husband & I turned our guest bedroom into a gym and have been working out & eating healthier.  I also keep track of every bite that goes into my mouth and make sure that I have a calorie deficit at the end of each day.  I have lost about 6 pounds so far.  I want to be at my goal weight (125-I'll just put it out there) by July, 2012.

A twin study showing the difference between a smoker & nonsmoker

But...I have done very little about the inside.  "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."  Proverbs 27:19.  I need to work on my heart.  So begins the journey...